how could this happen to me

there's so much i have to say, but i can't say any of it. i feel that way all the time. the ideal situation would be if i didn't feel the way i do. then i wouldn't be overwhelmed and consumed with it all. but i do feel this way. its not right. its not fair. what is my deal? i think its because i like the challenge. what happens when you set your sights on something you can never have? you can have parts of it, and it satisfies you temporarily, but what then? you lay your head on your pillow and you know. you know you will never have that thing you want. and so you wonder why you even pursue it, why put yourself through the pain? that's why its so appealing. its mysterious, its refreshing, its impossible. but when you get a piece of it, the rush of fulfillment is so immense that you know you can't do without it. its selfish. then what happens when that thing sees your inner pain; when it notices you are dieing inside. then it asks you what's wrong. and in that moment your heart tears to pieces as you insist that nothing is wrong. because you could never say it to them. even if you admitted that there was something wrong, you couldn't explain any further. how could you say that you need them more than they will ever know. and that's why i'm in pain.