loving people - because people matter

...that's Bridgetown's mission statement.

Calvin. 'In a word, his week was depressing.' He doesn't have a home & I prayed with him that God would lift the weight of the world from his shoulders.
Teresea - was battered & lost everything. Her being beaten made something switch off in her kids, Angelina & Shane. Now they're Jehovah's Witnesses. She took my number.

Adina is 26 and in the church's 24/7 (after prison) program. She dirt bikes. Got jacked doing a front flip at the fair a while back. She views God as a puppetmaster & us with strings attached to our appendages.

Lauren is my favorite person on earth. She works at the Q.

Jenny also works at the Q. These girls are beautiful. Bored with what the world has to offer.

Marshall & Lesley Snider started Bridgetown (homeless) ministries in Portland. They get it. They understand that Jesus was real & came to meet the needs of real people. Jesus wasn't the type to say, "I'll give you this sleeping bag if you come to church with me." No. You're cold, I have a blanket, it's yours.

Papa's in India on an administrative business trip for the church.

Mama is moving into her apartment in North Carolina.

Amanda, Jaymi, Erin, Joy, Brenda, Shelby, Karlie, Melissa, Jessica, Megan, Kevin, Trever, Robby, Cyle, Elisa, Jeff, Kindra, Peggy, Wyatt, Aubrey, Katie, Charlotte, Brittany, Ryan, Eric (says i like the way you dance...i like the way you move...at work today ugH), Shayla, Ashton, Aaron, Chelsey, Donna...

So yes. There's what's on my mind. Among other things. They all have needs. Real needs.

God is showing me that the Navigators style of ministry is a tad off. Of course I always knew it was uncomfortable. We're supposed to go up to someone & ask them about something more personal than their sexuality: their spirituality!? hah, no! Wow.

Okay, come on up here. Sit on my lap.

I wake up. I get to eat my favorite meal ever. Cereal. But not just any cereal. It's the kind I only eat at gram & papa's. Fiber One honey clusters with banana slices, & Pumpkin Flax granola. MmmmmMMMMmm good. All I eat is cereal & coffee & smoothies (by myself). By the way, I'm staying with gram until papa comes back. Thanksgiving, basically. Nice.

I invite gram to watch my Beth Moore Stepping Up video with me. Then I head to work. I'm bored. The usual lunch rush was late, so I told Katie to count, then come find me. I hid in the back, behind a cart & covered my face with my plastic gloved hands. She saw me right away, as soon as she turned the corner. Eric likes me, but he doesn't like church. haha, substitute Eric's name with basically anyone at Qdoba. Anyway, I walk in the door to Peggy sweeping. It's uber stressful. I trip & tip-toe around her cleaning gear right in the entry way. (Keep in mind I'm exhausted from work) I head out to the hot tub that I broke the night before. The jets wouldn't turn off...now they're off & won't turn on. I check the thermometer. 106. Nice. Couldn't have been more than 16 minutes & I'm as relaxed as I want to be. I get out and ....oooh great. I can't hear again. This always happens when I'm dehydrated & could faint at the drop of a hat. My ears feel tight, my head feels light, & why is my heartbeat coming from my skull? I lean into the bathroom faucet & turn on the water, knowing it's my best hope. SCREEEEEECH goes the water. ahhh! Not cool. The sound of running water sounds like chalk boards in my dehydrated head. I collapse on my (guest)bedroom carpet in my bikini. And I lay there until my brain registers that Peggy has been vaccuuming the living room for what seems like lightyears. Vexated, I abruptly jump up to close the door.
Mmm that was relaxing indeed. I died a little this afternoon. I suppose the body is supposed to stay at 98.6. Psh. Whatever makes you Harder. Faster. Better. Stronger.
Peggy & I talked over dinner. The Spirit decided to join us, & I just bawled. Bawled. Uh huh. God is moving my heart around. Aaah wow.

Let me tell you a story.

Her mind was a wirlwind. She grabbed the deepest longing spinning among the rest & held fast. Deep within her soul she knew it would not get her anywhere. This girl was smart. She knew she could trust her God-given intuitions. She just chose to disobey. That's it. It was a choice. Yes, I know full-well that there are going to be reprocussions for this aimless decision. But I am willing to take the hit. I'm so gosh-darned invincible, I'd actually like to take a hit. This power is bigger than me. How will I ever weild it for life? It's completely overtaking me. Not leaving any room for me. Yes. I need to see that I'm still human. Please. The fairy-dusted road to Zion is so predictable. I'll just see what happens when I fight the battle alone for a bit. You stay there, Jesus, I'll be back once I know how life is without you. No sooner had the words departed my lips than I turned my head from his face, to see hell - hell's penetrating gaze looking down on me. Powerful, intoxicating, overbearing, fumes of imminent retaliation entering through my nostrils. "Booooy you gonna git whats comin to yeh!" ...The huge, insensitive, harsh, muscley, wife-beater enclothed hick with tabacco dripping from his teeth... boots clomping confidently toward me (as I scramble backward out the front door, onto the porch), he whips the leather belt off of his tight waist in one swift motion. That's the closest scenario with skin on it that I can equate it to. It doesn't matter what all you did. Your insides know you deserve every lash you're about to get. The shear knowing. The insight. The awareness. The unbearable weight of realization coming from the fact that there's hell to pay. Why? He wants my destruction. And I helped him. Over and over and over. And now I'd given him permission to join in the demolition. By turning from the only One who is for me. The only One who cares about my soul, & my character. Oh yea, I'm for me. For my happiness, pleasure, and good times. Hah. No no. That does not lead to peace & prosperity & hope & future. So there I was. Capsizing under the knowledge of eternal punishment, endless guilt, forever accused (rightly so), always condemned, never escaping, a prisoner of Hades. My new identity. I fainted at the thought, and I could practically feel the flames sucking my life away. Devouring the air from my lungs. Internally combusting. My insides caving in to empty, dark, nothingness (which is what I deserved). You know when you were little & tried to picture being in heaven for eteeeeeeeernity, & it had your head spinnin? ...Try hell.

Now I'm on the ground. Body seizing with the anticipation of being broken. In and out of consciousness, all I smell is the end. Not life. Death. Not air. Suffocation. Weaker now with the sound of his mocking laugh, I fade inside, back to the screams of despair that will never escape. Suddenly the loud clanging of swords causes me to raise my head. Dust. Feet. Solid, sturdy feet at my head, kicking dust about in the tussle. My immobile face is covered in it. My hair's the color of ashes. There He is. He's fighting for me. Keeping what I deserve from touching me. I'm left, stricken on the floor. Not a hair on my head has been misplaced. I breath in the whirlwind of activity in the heavenly realms. The air is still not clear. But at least it is dusty air that fills my burning lungs, and not flames of fury and wrath licking away my lifeblood. Why? Why, I asked for a long time, would you save me when I didn't ask for help. Someone has to pay! It can't stay between you & me, God. Don't you recall? I asked you to stay there, in all your glory, while I dealt with my iniquities. I wanted to pay hell for my sins. That wasn't an option, my child. I paid for them on the cross. 2000 years ago, I was beaten. I was lashed. I was hurt. I got the whipping. I have paid for your sin.

Isaiah 28:18
Your covenant with death will be annulled;
your agreement with the grave will not stand.
When the overwhelming scourge sweeps by,
you will be beaten down by it.

Psalm 18
4The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
5The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
6In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
16He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
17He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
19He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 124
A song of ascents. Of David.
1If the Lord had not been on our side—
let Israel say—
2if the Lord had not been on our side
when men attacked us,
3when their anger flared against us,
they would have swallowed us alive;
4the flood would have engulfed us,
the torrent would have swept over us,
5the raging waters
would have swept us away.
6Praise be to the Lord,
who has not let us be torn by their teeth.
7We have escaped like a bird
out of the fowler’s snare;
the snare has been broken,
and we have escaped.
8Our help is in the name of the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

there is no one else for me. crucified to set me free.

My sister is pregnant! I'm gonna be an aunt x 3! Wow thanks, Shay, for taking it upon yourself to make our family big & bustling! haha, somebody had to do it. No, really, sister, I'm praying for your family. Before this news, I began praying that God would move your family to wherever you'd be fruitful. And look! Bundle o' joy on the way.

My mom got a job in North Carolina! Ahhhhhhhh. My God is so great. My God is so good. My God is so big. There's nothing my God cannot do.

Trever & i were Edward & Bella for Halloween. Hah...nothing really changed. Um, Trever wore one of my v-necks. I wore chucks & let my bangs be all froofy & swoopy. At Kevin's Halloweenapalooza party...we would strike a pose & say okok guess who we are!? "...Trever & Staci!?" Then we'd really get our game faces on. (I'd think okay, Staci, you're totally consumed with your own life.. yes here comes the infamous life's lame Bella gaze. Aaaand you're dating a vampire...ah hah and the frowed brow 'this is never going to work' thought drapes nicely over the constant state of bored melancholy.) "OH MY GOSH, really guys?" And they guessed it.

So Bible study was as fabulous as when Flipper saved that dog from the sharks. (I actually never saw the movie sooo don't quote me on that. But if I'd filmed Flipper...that would've been the storyline.) Aaanyway. Yes well. 13 gals. It's beautiful. They're beautiful. We're studying Revelation. Everyone was very candid about where they are with Jesus Christ right now.

Last night I talked to this grown man eating at the soup kitchen our young adults help out at. I asked him his name (Kurt) & if he goes to church anywhere. Told him about Friends & said I'd be looking for him. He broke eye contact for a second, then looked back at me, "What's your name?" I told him & he said, "Staci. Staci with a mission." I just looked away. During our conversation he said, "What goes around comes around." I let myself revel in that thought for a minute (seeing as the most stimulating thoughts I get to entertain at work are "But why would they not want a no-charge-tortilla on the side of their naked burrito?") Kurt says what are you thinking about, Staci?" "What goes around comes around, Kurt." "Ah. A deep thinker." hahaha people are silly. I wouldn't consider myself a deep thinker. Maybe a practiced thinker. Take a few seconds to myself & they're like, hey you checked out. That's not legal. Then they decide ..why yes, yes it is, but it's certainly not common. Anyway. I'm praying Kurt comes to church & meets you know who there.

I went to a Skillet / Hawk Nelson concert a couple nights ago. It was awesome. Good ole mosh pits. Missed them. hahaha the wood floor bounced like a trampoline under the weight of the crowd's enthusiasm. We got kicked out of the mosh pit. haha, no I didn't punch anyone, it was just too full, so Trever, Robby & I went to the back to sit with my Qdoba gals, Jenny & Lauren. They were bein all stiff, "I'm too ballin for Christian rock." Trever said, "Do you think you could get them to dance?" Hahaha, love it. That's basically my life challenge with them. Only...metaphorically. So that was a blast, being reminded. Trever & I danced like mad in the 2nd to last row at the Spokane opera house. It was the fullest the theater had ever been. I can count on one hand the number of people going crazy beyond the mosh pit. Very cool.

Today at work, I almost threw a knife off the counter & sliced Katie & my feet off...
Katie: Wow that was close!
Staci: Yea, hah! I basically just saw my life flash before my eyes.
Katie: (without skipping a beat) How was it?
Staci: *craaacking up* hahaha, Katie, how long have you been packing that? haah!

Oh Qdoba. As I told Trever, one day Jesus and I are just going to look at each other and laugh...then he'll point back over his shoulder, "God's this way, let's go." Pico de gallo. Let me tell you what. It's a doozy. Takes a century and a half to form a complete double (recipe) pico. Haaaah! Don't tell anyone, but I think Yesterday I forgot to "shark (carve)" the stem part off the tomatoes before I sliced & diced them. hahaha, more fiber, right? And on Halloween I definitely saw a spider in the sour cream. Ugh junk. And I killed it. BAM! roasted. Oh. Speaking of which. The number one perk of working at Qdoba: today, before work, I took banana bread out of the oven...without an oven mit. hahahahhaha, suckaaa! My fingers have been trained to withstand the most extreme temperatures known to man. Wow. I sound like Dwight Schrute right now. Man I hate that show. A perfect depiction of the nothingness we've turned life into.

Last night we went to Maurice & Peggy's. I sat on my grandaddy's lap for 25 minutes while the brownies baked (just me & him) & it was heaven on earth. I can't wait until God holds me forever.

Store up for yourself treasures in heaven today, my friend. Trust me. This world & it's desires will pass away. Don't waste your time being consumed with it. You'll enjoy the fruits of your labor for eternity if you sow, recognizing harvest will come & we will reap. Some more than others. Whatever you plant now, you'll get to enjoy forever!!! If you don't plant anything...geeze.