Let me tell you a story.

Her mind was a wirlwind. She grabbed the deepest longing spinning among the rest & held fast. Deep within her soul she knew it would not get her anywhere. This girl was smart. She knew she could trust her God-given intuitions. She just chose to disobey. That's it. It was a choice. Yes, I know full-well that there are going to be reprocussions for this aimless decision. But I am willing to take the hit. I'm so gosh-darned invincible, I'd actually like to take a hit. This power is bigger than me. How will I ever weild it for life? It's completely overtaking me. Not leaving any room for me. Yes. I need to see that I'm still human. Please. The fairy-dusted road to Zion is so predictable. I'll just see what happens when I fight the battle alone for a bit. You stay there, Jesus, I'll be back once I know how life is without you. No sooner had the words departed my lips than I turned my head from his face, to see hell - hell's penetrating gaze looking down on me. Powerful, intoxicating, overbearing, fumes of imminent retaliation entering through my nostrils. "Booooy you gonna git whats comin to yeh!" ...The huge, insensitive, harsh, muscley, wife-beater enclothed hick with tabacco dripping from his teeth... boots clomping confidently toward me (as I scramble backward out the front door, onto the porch), he whips the leather belt off of his tight waist in one swift motion. That's the closest scenario with skin on it that I can equate it to. It doesn't matter what all you did. Your insides know you deserve every lash you're about to get. The shear knowing. The insight. The awareness. The unbearable weight of realization coming from the fact that there's hell to pay. Why? He wants my destruction. And I helped him. Over and over and over. And now I'd given him permission to join in the demolition. By turning from the only One who is for me. The only One who cares about my soul, & my character. Oh yea, I'm for me. For my happiness, pleasure, and good times. Hah. No no. That does not lead to peace & prosperity & hope & future. So there I was. Capsizing under the knowledge of eternal punishment, endless guilt, forever accused (rightly so), always condemned, never escaping, a prisoner of Hades. My new identity. I fainted at the thought, and I could practically feel the flames sucking my life away. Devouring the air from my lungs. Internally combusting. My insides caving in to empty, dark, nothingness (which is what I deserved). You know when you were little & tried to picture being in heaven for eteeeeeeeernity, & it had your head spinnin? ...Try hell.

Now I'm on the ground. Body seizing with the anticipation of being broken. In and out of consciousness, all I smell is the end. Not life. Death. Not air. Suffocation. Weaker now with the sound of his mocking laugh, I fade inside, back to the screams of despair that will never escape. Suddenly the loud clanging of swords causes me to raise my head. Dust. Feet. Solid, sturdy feet at my head, kicking dust about in the tussle. My immobile face is covered in it. My hair's the color of ashes. There He is. He's fighting for me. Keeping what I deserve from touching me. I'm left, stricken on the floor. Not a hair on my head has been misplaced. I breath in the whirlwind of activity in the heavenly realms. The air is still not clear. But at least it is dusty air that fills my burning lungs, and not flames of fury and wrath licking away my lifeblood. Why? Why, I asked for a long time, would you save me when I didn't ask for help. Someone has to pay! It can't stay between you & me, God. Don't you recall? I asked you to stay there, in all your glory, while I dealt with my iniquities. I wanted to pay hell for my sins. That wasn't an option, my child. I paid for them on the cross. 2000 years ago, I was beaten. I was lashed. I was hurt. I got the whipping. I have paid for your sin.

Isaiah 28:18
Your covenant with death will be annulled;
your agreement with the grave will not stand.
When the overwhelming scourge sweeps by,
you will be beaten down by it.

Psalm 18
4The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
5The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
6In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
16He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
17He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
19He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 124
A song of ascents. Of David.
1If the Lord had not been on our side—
let Israel say—
2if the Lord had not been on our side
when men attacked us,
3when their anger flared against us,
they would have swallowed us alive;
4the flood would have engulfed us,
the torrent would have swept over us,
5the raging waters
would have swept us away.
6Praise be to the Lord,
who has not let us be torn by their teeth.
7We have escaped like a bird
out of the fowler’s snare;
the snare has been broken,
and we have escaped.
8Our help is in the name of the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.