carving yaupon drive

i probably had the most amazing day of my life today. our census assignment finally completed, i wasn't quite sure what to do with the day. i went to the beach. brandon moved to emerald isle, so...rock on! he is hah, down the road from the beach. it's beautiful. i drove past, saw him outside bert's w/ mrs. bert taking inventory. i honked and threw a deuce. hit a coffee shop. it was a kind of foreign, yet very familiar scenario. oh how many times have i met with my Lord in a coffee shop? it was nice. brandon asked if i wanted company. i didn't respond. his black truck pulled up within minutes. hah. boys.

he showed me his sweet new set-up. nice. it's a place. we walked up the road to the ocean. past the dunes, onto the shore. Mmhm. woop there it is. so we discuss life a bit, and this new twist to his life. he had decided to move back to arkansas. in a week. yet. he moved closer to the beach instead. : ) haha, this kid.

turns out. brandon had bought the longboard (skateboard) that i absolutely adored from bert's. haha, there it is, just setting in his house. in all it's wide, neon, rubber-wheeled glory. yeeeeeeeeeeeees! so i do work with that while he goes back to work at bert's. i rode it across the island, basically. all the way to the pier. only after i had gone up and down yaupon & ocean view drive more times than i could count. 2 solid hours i longboarded. it was so sick. that's why my fingers are dancing across the keyboard right now. sick. oh my gosh. carving on that sector 9 was glory. bubble-wrapped & golden-crested glory. wow. ugh. it's so beautiful. the beauty of snowboarding without the safety of the snow. the art of surfing without the chase of the wave. it is what it is. and it rocks. never in my life had i been more of who i want to be. riding the challenge. going forward, never even touching the ground. not going to/on my way to the next challenge; rather, never leaving the challenge. no waiting. for waves. for ski-lifts. let's roll. weaving my way down the smooth blacktop, with soft, (detrimental to longboard) sand oozing from the land onto the road. sights set on the ocean. in brandon's aviator's. and sweatshirt. and flip flops. (made of track pads! these shoes are bomb..hand-me-downs).

i think what i liked most about it. ...beside the way it felt. was the knowledge that it could go with me anywhere. snowboarding's limited to snow. snow's in the mountains. surfing's limited to the ocean. the ocean's on the coasts. but, hah! turns out pavement does serve a thrilling purpose. and it's everywhere.

then i smelled outdoorsy fresh, so casually perused the food lion aisles for a quick shot of spray deodorant. near-fatality when i passed this sucker...

then we ate at el zarape. yum. just relived the amazingness that was that spicy white queso dip. then at the casa, i busted out my guitar. hah (i travel in the jeep, armed & loaded with both guitar & surf board. you never know when the mood is right. or the swell. naturally, let my mind get carried away with the melody. ultimately ending in a diddy about how 'brandon's got himself a neeew house!' he loved it.

oh yes. the reason it was the best day ever, was because it was setting up to be the worst. end of census work (for about a month..pending). but i had faith, and hoped and prayed on the way to emerald isle, that something unexpected and exciting would happen (even today), Lord!

haha. hah. i had no idea. God is so great! i love the way he surrounds. and encloses. and wraps me up tight.

Let your unfailing love surround me Lord, for my hope is in you alone. Psalm 33:22
The angel of the Lord is a guard; He surrounds and defends all who fear him. Psalm 34:7
You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Psalm 32:7
And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the LORD, and I will be the glory in her midst. Zechariah 2:5

lamentations

I brush my teeth at night why? Easy. So I can taste my passionberry twist gum more fully.

I feel at peace now why? Easy. Explaining it, hard.

Yesterday I nearly drowned. It was the first time I was legitimately in danger. That's not true. Every time you step into the water you surrender. Each step offering up more and more control, until you cant touch at all, & you're purposefully gliding toward the oncoming precipise. Your board goes up to a 60 degree angle, then you land flat again & it breaks heavily at your feet. However, before I reached the the break-point of no return, I reached the break. Surfing's not one of those sports where you feel compelled to swear when something bad happens. Well, it kind of is, when you see that huge wave folding in on you. But immediately the urge to retaliate with attitude goes away when you realize it's not you, it's the wave. There was nothing you could do to avoid this sudden disappointment - of seeing something very big and far more powerful than you about to hurt you. And then you know all you can do is accept that "it is in control and the best you can hope for is to be able to play in it." (surfing magazine) So you dive into the wave. Embracing it's power (& your powerlessness) is the only way to survive. Or walk away without a concussion at the least. So I dove. And dove. And dove. Unable to advance, I backed away until I could muster the drive to advance again. A older fella (probably 15 years my senior) uttered a genuinely impressed, "good job!" once I made it out. After some time of waiting for the perfect wave to make my own...my first (real) wave, at that, I went in, suddenly realizing it had to be getting close to 10 & I wasn't keen on being late to work. I like the boys. I like talking with them and having something in common with the gustsiest of the gutsy on the island. I converse with some utterly stunning men that I don't even think about ...until now. hahahah wait, I do remember thinking about it a few days ago, when I was walking through the parking lot with my dripping hair & wetsuit, when a wave-sick-puppy, in need of a crashing fix, eagerly asked me if it was worth it. I fumbled through words, letting him know visibility was low but the waves were good. haha and as I was fumbling I was mad that they wouldn't come...because I knew they weren't coming because he was stunning. SIIiiigh. It's quite a trip. : ) I'll leave it at that.

Also, days of incredible surf make me loooooooooong to be able to do it. Truth be told, I haven't legitimately paddled into a wave with the intent of trying to surf it yet. : ) haha, I'll know when it's the right time. Plus, I think I want to wait until I know I can do it. Like Ashton, when he was learning how to walk...never let go of that coffee table until he could do it. And once he did, he could walk. Done deal. That was that. No falling down and hurting yourself over and over. Just patience.

Yesterday I seriously considered the possibility of changing my favorite color from sunset orange to sunrise orange. It was so purely beautiful.

I helped 3 girls at work yesterday. They were my age or a little older. The gorgeous blonde, seriously the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, tried on and purchased my favorite item from Bert's: this killer tube top dress. Four thick horiontal stripes, white, grey, pale yellow, & black. It's just excellent. (It actually did look great with her blonde hair though, better than it would with my sunbleached (28-day-color-riiiight!) brunette) I showed her my other favorite dress & asked her what she thought about it. Black, it's really pretty, but she already has a bunch of black dresses. The other girl, she was awesome. Sporting a fish hook from underneath the bill of her ball-cap. Thick southern accent. Anyway, the gist of it is, I naturally jumped into their completely freely loving circle of friendship/girl-world & realized how absolutely fun girls are. The stunner with the fish hook kept asking me for advice about things and apologizing, lamenting how annoyed they must be making me. Little did she know, that brief 15 minute interaction was so telling for me. I was just blessed by their presence. You just don't see 'crews' very often. Especially not here, it's all young married's and engaged and single millitious men.

When the sun sets. The clouds become bubble gum and grape and blue-raspberry flavored cotton candy. Captivated, the deep, blackening silhouettes of the pines stretch out their broad limbs for a taste. Then the water takes your breath away. It's like the land longs to meet the clouds, but the water's the suitor of choice. It actually touches the mesmerizing sky. A perfectly united masterpiece. In the mornings, the smooth streaks of fresh sunlight look like gasoline spills on top of the solid, pre-daylight intracoastal. The clouds drape across the sky. My mouth waters as I imagine the taste of this morning's flavor: strawberry/orange-cream swirl.

stickittothemaniosis

I knew my hair looked as sexy as I'd been hoping it looked when my mom said, "Stace...your hair looks like you tried really hard to make it look like a black person's."

Pimp G.

So I had this date. (Totally unrelated to my stylin-new hair habits..those came later). BUt it wasn't really supposed to be a date, just a chill surf-session, but turned into lunch and all sorts of exploring adventures. So I had a 'day date' as my friend Risa must point out. (Ugggh *burnage* why can't I wait at least 20 seconds for my peanut butter chocolate chip cookies to cool? All the better, I like to feel the burn.) Now then. I go surfing with my friend, from the surf shop. We get to the ocean to see the sickest waves I've ever seen in my life. Ever. Sick. haha, you're just watchin it like....uhhhh.....OOOoooh...wooooww! And so we wade in. And chill at the shore-break for a while. Brandon's from Arkansas...sooo. Hahah, I really wished Chad was there to tell me what to do. But we paddled out, and it was ridiculous. Like no position I've ever been in before, in my life. At the mercy. So there I am...trying to set myself up just right. And pick one that wouldn't rock my world harder than Metalica. hahaha, yea. No such luck. Rock and roll. It was amazing to be out there though, entertaining the thought of surrendering everything. Steps. And being in that big of a set up was quite a step. Rollin in and crashing. No stopping. Heavy barrels every time. I would say 6 second intervals.

Okay, so beyond the sport of it all...let the games begin. Brandon and I sit in the water, on the shore and talk for at least an hour. Then we head to the shop to change & rinse the boards. He totally took care of my board. Like when we first got there, as soon as I'd opened the back of the Jeep, he was pulling it out & by the time I stood back up from getting my booties on, he was already waxing it. Wow...thanks. Ssooo, then back at Bert's, after we tell Cody and the boys about our fun, we take his truck to Flipperz seafood bar & grill. We both stared kinda blankly at the menu for a while. He orders sweet tea with lemon. "I'll have the same, thank you." "With the lemon, too?" "Yes." Then we make the same face at each other when he asks our waitress what's good, to which she replies, "I don't like fish." We have a brief silent conversation about that, then he says to her, "Okay.. well we'll take some of the seafood bisque."
"Two of 'em?"
"Yea."
No one has ever ordered for me before. It was epic. Legendary. I absolutely loved it. Just to get things rollin... hey try this appetizer, you'll love it. I order fries and ranch. Same for him. Only, "Do you have honey, by chance? Ohhh my gosh, it's so good, have you ever had it? You've gotta try it!" So I try the fries and honey and....it's amazing. Tastes like crab rangoons. Sweet and fried. He tries to get the waitress to join in the fun (since she'd gone to so much trouble to scrounge up some raw honey into a dish to us, "Whoa! D'you find a honeycomb back there or what?" he had said.)

So I want to try his mahi burger, so naturally, I go about this by asking him if he wants to try my crab-cake burger. He reacts like he's been waiting for me to ask, and we hand each other our burgers. hah, forget knives and being proper, I tell you what. Just a couple o' country kids on the isle. Not sure how we're supposed to act, and not really caring. He sings country and journey and everything like a rock-star. wow..all raw & pure. So we're cruisin and he talks on his phone like 3 different times. And I love it. "Nah man...yea. Well, you know what? I just don't think the Reefs are going to sell." And, "Hey Alex, hmm okay, yea. Is Jessie still in the hospital? Ahhhh wow." : ) This actually made me very happy. He didn't drop everything for me. Every minute was not about unlocking the keypad that is my mind, heart, and soul. Phew. It was just a relief. His life was going on as usual, whether I was there or not. He burps...mm mahi..that was so good, honestly, I would totally do that again if I could. hahahha, make my life with how you don't care. And back at the restaurant, he'd missed his mouth, and said, "How embarrassing...*I swear that never happens!* (in a blatantly sardonic voice). I just went along with his jokes, like, "Ughh! What are the chances!?"

On the beach he was like, you're the first person I've met here & actually had an intelligent conversation with, about stuff that's real...that matters. Well see the thing of it is, we both have the same fears/convictions about marriage. Not to mention, everything else society tries to get us to buy into. The mainstream...stickittothemaniosis. So basically the theme of our day was Rom 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is, his good, pleasing, perfect will. Like in everything, we would just pull out comments indicating how our beliefs play into every little thing. ...at Flipperz, some guy wins $10,000 for shooting a basketball from half-court. Brandon saw it & tells me what he just saw. I instantly say, it's not going to make him happy. He just looks at me all baffled & enlightened, & gives me a high five.

Okay. So why? The point is to say, this kid is real. And I've never met anyone who operates on the same wavelength. Like, because of where we've been, and things that've happened, we see things the same. Making it VeRy easy for things to flow. I was actually kind of scared by how much fun I'd had. Really. I was just speechless. After I got home, I sat in the corner of my room & didn't talk to my mom about it for a few days. hah

SURF

i'm far too weak to make a go of what happened today. so i'll just say what i need to say. Jesus Christ my Lord put someone in my path that i can't even describe how perfect he is for what i needed. the other night i went with my mom to the naval hospital to hang out with the labor & delivery nurses/check things out for her 12 hour night shift. i met a couple marines. chad being one of them. we talked about surfing cause he's a surfer. he was talking about his surf crew back home (georgia), including some pro...i don't follow these things...it's all about the personal journey for me. the challenge. he was talkin about the surf. he was saying everything i feel about surfing. "it's all about what goes on inside. you don't have to prove anything to anyone. if anyone judges surfing, man...do you surf? ok then. and if you're a true surfer, you're a weatherman too. you watch the waves. it's about gettin out there and watching people. checking out their style, and learning. once you catch that wave, you just feel so good inside. like maaaaaaaaan i'm surfin the line, i'm surfin the line!! did you see that?! i was goin straight down the line! hah, it's about lettin go of all fear." that struck something in me. i know that's why i'm doing this. especially because i made another prayer list to stick to for a few months & see what happens. and at the top of the list, "take away my fear." when chad was talking my heart leapt. he said exactly what i'd been feeling. this wasn't some blimp with a hobby. he loves it. he feels it.

so there's all the background information. so today. went to the bank-youknowwhy,- got gas, and set out toward emerald isle. tunes bumpn, board in the back (and front, and everywhere in between : ), in the car of my dreams. preparing to do what i've always wanted. i stepped out of my body for a second on the way there to take inventory. jeep, subwoof, board, palm trees, water, me, and God. alone at last. it was far too much like the life i want to live. hahahaha : D succcckkkkkaaaa punch (to the man...the system). then i re-entered my body to keep livin it, along with the feelings & emotions that i didn't / couldn't have pictured before. unknown. known that it's unknown. ...that's the only thing that's known. : ) so i entered my favorite surf shop, bert's, and got some booties. my boi, brandon the surf n00b, & manager apparently...don't ask i guess...(hah, no i will draw attention to it, it's the perfect surf shop for me, cause i dunno whas up & there's no judgement). anyway. brandon says to come back & let him know how it goes. cody's the girl at the register. she commented on the shoes in the bootie box (mine...since i was wearing the booties -why squeeze the impossible things on twice?) and she says..those are interesting lookin booties. hahah...i pause. i'm like, ugh (i point to the ground) i've got 'em on. lol, i just like bert's. so i drive across the road to the public access beach parking lot. naturally, it's completely empty. the beaches are deserted. it'sso epic. i strip down, suit up, and wax on. as i'm waxing, a car drives by. wait no. that was the 2nd car that drove by. the first one was the police. i was like ahhh shoot, it would be illegal, it's too perfect. me surfing, the only person on the beach. he passed. drove right past me. hahahaha niiiiiiIIIICe. ok, so 2nd drive by, says out the window, 'heeeyyy are you goin out??' i look up without recognizing the guy, assuming it's brandon from bert's, say yeeea.. thEN i realize it's chad! my night-shift marine buddy. what. are. the. odds? they are slim to none. God crossed our paths. he goes over to the stars. climbs up the post to get a better view of the waves. i finish waxing & meet him at the stairs down to the shore. he says a few things about the set-up & says he might have to go grab his 'fish' since i'm out here. : ) yes please, do. he says what are you waitin for? go get it! with a smile i'm on my way. i do the darn thing. i battle & mental battle the ocean for...as long as i can take/decide i'd better head back, since the drift took me a half mile down the way. during that time i got up just a tad, because the waves didn't have enough power to take me anywhere. yea i was close to the shore. goin in & workin my pop-up right after they'd break. then by the time i walk back to where i'd started, chad's back on his post. hollers at me. i sit down in the sand. he walks out to me and says it looks better out at bogue inlet pier. i said can i follow you? yea! so we're on our way to the cars. as we part, he tells me to take my time, he know's i'm cold. i'm kind of relieved he knows how i feel & appreciate the breathing room he gives me. however, i get to the car & quickly realize that my frozen fingers really do need extra time. i have to turn the key with two hands. nerves & small muscles don't really work. i just use my left hand to jam it the direction i know it's supposed to go.

now we're at the pier. he gives me more 'sex'wax & while i wax on, he hides my keys with his, under his car. as we walk to the water he says i shouldn't go alone if i can help it. 'there's sharks out there, did you know that? i saw a 5 foot spinner last time i was out, did a 360 right out of the barrel. ...just don't think about it.'

a guy joins chad under the pier. this one has a hoodie for his wetsuit. lucky duck. chad hollers at me, 'you ready?' as i'm lieing in the sand trying to soak up some sun for warmth. i'm still wet(suited) from before. yea, so we get in. chad waves for me to come out to where they are headed....the deep blue, beyond all the baby waves. uuuughhh. maybe he's not aware of the severity of my condition. i can't surf. hahahaha. i say 'they're so big!' but i obey. i fight the waves toward the guys. then. whoa. we're beyond the breaking point. and we're paddling. paddling. paddling. to keep from drifting toward (breakpoint) shore. i say, 'am i gonna hit the pier?' chad says, not if you paddle that way! so now i'm paddling away from the pier legs. he yells, "you're doing exactly what i want you to do! gettin familiar with the water, paddling, and practicing not running into people. you're doin great!" later he says, know your limits, if you're tired paddle in! i take him right up on that. i'm also frigid. i pull my knees to my chest on shore. i'm shaking. and i can't stop. this is as cold as i've ever (consecutively) been. i.e. for as long. i practice my pop-up on shore now that i'm going to have to do it or get pummled. i paddle out past break-point again. it's so windy & impossible. no one is catching any waves. chad says, 'they're not breaking on the outside and the inside's just dumpin!' he was absolutely right. the inside wave i'd tried just landed on me instead of propelling me forward. i realize even the experienced riders can't catch anything, this isn't the day. so i head in. chad takes my number so we can ride together.

he's so perfect for the job. he doesn't need me to say anything. he has a girlfriend (he was on the phone with that night at the hospital). he kept forgetting my name & me his. hah. because they don't really matter. we're here for each other for one thing. i get him amped to go out (he hadn't been out in months) & he coaches me through it. i really don't have to worry about my personality or his or dynamics or anything. we're just livin. i don't know how to surf & have a passion for learning. he does know how to surf and has a passion for catching a wave.

okay. now to where i am. you can't imagine. you do what you gotta do when you're that cold. stripping down on a side road after we'd said our goodbyes. ope, my bikini top came untied under my suit. noooot much i can do about that when my fingers are worthless stumps on the ends of my (good-for-nothin-but-paddling-and-balancing-and-being-cold) hands. hahaha dressing when you're frozen is hard. that's that. i wanted to just stay in my wetsuit in the car but decided i should get out asap. i took a bath at home. and drank hot cocoa. and took a big, deep, ocean-air-and-stress-release breath as i was finally horizontal, and safe, and warm.

looks like the best way to de-brief was just to go through it all. now that leaves more room for the water and sand in my head. : ) i was at the refrigerator, leaning over to see what we got, and water came running out of my nose. hahahahahahh. woooooooow. it's official. i got worked. and you can't imagine how mental this thing is. it's ALL about conquering fear. : ) oooooooh Jesus. a couple times out in the water, i went over psalm 27:1 the LORD is my light and my salvation, whom shall i fear? the LORD is the refuge of my life, of whom shall i be afraid.'

are you outta your miiiiiiind?! sweet. let's hang out.

so there i was rollin with my top down listenin to mah Jesus music...oooonly not. it's snowing in jacksonville, north carolina. snow. everyone's blown out of the water (literally..) about it! the palm trees have snow on them. hmm. alright. i'm not really surprised by snow, it's perfectly normal to me, sooo there's that.

oh my gosh! the best thing ever happened today! i was shoppin around (while mom got her nails done) in emerald isle for wetsuit gloves & booties and the guy workin the surf shop was killin me awesome. hahahahahahhaah as i fumbled & hopped around to squeeze the impossible bootie on my foot i laughed and said...yea, i'm such a n00b! he was like man, me too! the other day my friends were all like, dude, what is this, the first time you've ever worn a wetsuit? ...and i was like, 'yea...it is.' we were the only ones in the store. ..you might say this is the 'off-season'...what with the ice caps on the white caps. (...trever phrase. i only wish i could pull off that cheese : ) anyway. then the surf shop surf n00b guy shows me to their gloves. i put one on. hahahahahhahaha! it had like 3 spaces for your 5 fingers. uh huh. (the last 3 fingers share one compartment) i was like, "oh. uh..." he interrups, "those are totally awkward." he had a lip ring. he kept playing with it. geeze. i'm going to get one. then i'll need chapstick all the time. buuut probably wouldn't eat as much, due to the oral preoccupation. hahahaaaoookay i'm sorry. i'm truly sorry. super inappropriate. thEN he's like, 'you can't even flip anyone off with those'...'hah i know! like what are they even good for?!' -i finished for him jokingly. we just laughed and it was hilarious. me, the surf n00bette, purchasing from the surf n00b. tip me over & pour me out.

however. i did actually meet a local surfer. and she rocked. she was running a thrifty clothing store called 'second wave.' i asked her if she had any idea where i could get some booties etc. (this was all before the surf shop flow). she gave me so many pointers. about pushing on my wetsuit to see how the material reacts & if it's quality. about rinsing it & letting it dry inside out. about the hot-spots. about the boys that show off by the pier, 'hold your own, girl, they might try to drop in on you, buuut...check out the point, the waves aren't as big, but at least no one's laughing at you if you mess up.' sabrina. blonde. southern. sweet. relajada. helpful. we exchanged numbers.

i'm watching my Lord. that's all i really know. that's what i came here to do & it's happening. yesterday i mailed the check (remember, the money i'd borrowed). went shopping a bit and came home, discouraged & frustrated cause i hadn't found boots or gloves. i walked into my room & said to God, why haven't You done anything?! (not really knowing why/what i was wanting in particular. just finally getting to the point, 'You brought me here, so what's the gig? give me some direction.') satan said what have you done to get things rolling? (i know this because satan accuses. and condemns. doesn't convict. AsAp my phone rang. Mike. calling for me to drive (an hour) south to wilmington to check out his surfboards.

what i gather from this is this: as soon as i obeyed (mailed the check), God acted. & as soon as i looked to Him to act, indicating that anything that happened would be because of He made it happen, ...He made it happen. i got a surfboard. and a wetsuit. and gloves. ...stay tuned.

ps- every time i do something difficult, i use it to psych myself up for the greater challenge ahead. example: coming home from sam's club carrying a 7500jillion-pack of bottled water up to the 3rd floor, "what you think you can surf it for real, staci?! then carry the water up the stairs!!" : )

In the hands of the living God, scared.

Staci: Teach me how to enjoy the sunshine?
God: Know there will be rain.
Staci: How can I enjoy the sunshine when I know there will be rain?
God: Because I remain the same.

Then we sat there & practiced...the sun came out and warmed my face, then clouds would overtake. Him remaining the same.

Later I asked, "Mom, how do we know God's on our side?"
"On our side?"
"Yea....I guess...it's just that...I'm afraid to put my life in the hands of the living God."
"His love endures forever." (hah, after we had just call & responsed our way through Psalm 136- highlighting that fact.)
She said she's learning that things will never be copo setti (or something indicating 'just so/just right). It's not about your circumstances, it's about learning to walk with Him. Circumstances will never be just right on this earth.

God tugged on my heart, asking me to do something, to pay someone back for a favor (loaned money) I'd been given this past year. I thought it was hogwash, especially since I have a desire to surf. And only money can make it happen. But I see He's right. I'm not sure what God's up to. How He's going to show me he wants me to succeed & He is on my side. When it seems to me He very directly asked me to give something up. Not receive. Give. Kind of the opposite of convincing me that He doesn't want to take from me. So why am I going to do it if I'm all in a tizzy about it? Because something has been different between me and God the past 2 days. I've been trying (scared to/somewhat running toward Him, then away) to pinpoint what's caused this disconnect. One day I felt Him. Here. Next to me in everything. The next, I had pulled away & I couldn't get back. But I want(ed) to so bad.

I thought perhaps it was cause I want to surf. I've dreamed about doing this. It's something I've always imagined I could do, but never had the chance. That's the reason I've always pictured doing it alone too. This is a challenge I want. Just me and Him. The absolute joy of conquering it. Haha, I can't wait. And no one will be there to see it but my Maker. : ) I got to go a few months ago in Oregon with the guys, and it was haha. It was real good. But even that, I mean does anyone have something they just want to do alone? Something you've always longed to do & believed you could. That kind of thing that can't be enjoyed with others. The conquering of a challenge. The coming of sweet vertical victory.

Anyway, I thought maybe that was it. But I'm prrreetty sure it's that there was a command I was supposed to obey. Geeeemanneeechrisssstmaaaaas. God's laws. Are good...and sort of manditory. When will I learn? I was just fumblin around in the darkness 'what's wrong? what am I doing? what do I need to let go of?' My life. Is the answer He gave me.

Oh Lord, help me trust that you are on my side even when I don't see. I just want to walk with you. In your presense is fullness of joy. And I do want that even more. Than anything. Help me trust you with my life.

everlasting light

God's promises found in Isaiah 60

The sun shall be no more your light by day,
nor for brightness shall the moon give you light;
but the LORD will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory.
Your sun shall no more go down,
nor your moon withdraw itself;
for the LORD will be your everlasting light,
and your days of mourning shall be ended. (19-20)

Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the LORD has risen upon you.
For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the LORD will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you. (1-2)

Whereas you have been forsaken and hated,
with no one passing through,
I will make you majestic forever,
a joy from age to age. (15)

Yesterday as I gazed at the beauty of lake Coeur d'Alene, the sun was setting behind the mountains & I was a tad fearful of what I've been feeling. I feel like I'm not going to lose anything or gain anything. It's actually quite glorious. The sun was pretty, but in light of God's purpose, plan, where He's going to take me (metaphysically), it just paled. Because the unseen things God has in mind are eternal, sure, and unchanging. So I turned away from the vast scenery (almost too) easily, as if it was meant to be, natural, bound to happen, in the cards....only to find the full, white moon right in front of my face. haha, I just laughed as I thought of Isaiah 60:20...the promise God gave me a year ago when I came to North Idaho. That the things I look to for guidance, assurance, security, delight would no longer have that place in my life. This prospect scared me for a long time; however, as I embraced the promise of the everlasting light to come, they began to pale. Yes. That verse is exactly when my heart had been feeling as I looked upon the beauty of His hands, "This is great, and I will see other great things, but there is Only One thing that brings me hope & joy." The author of the universe delights in me & I am free to accept it (through Christ's sacrificial blood). Let there be light. I love you.

yes afirmative positive affirmation uh huh absolutely okay true right lovely admirable excellent praiseworthy

hah! funny story. today i stood outside naked. it was legit. i was kickin it at home in the jacuzzi after work. aaaand it was cold, rainy, & (ahhhh delightfully) windy. we've had a bit of a seattle winter up here in coeur d'alene. it's awesome! God had me to himself tonight. standing there, beholding his beauty in the midst cool, light rain he showed me how i'd always just focussed on the walk from the back door to the jacuzzi gazeebo. i'd been missing the gorgeous trees & everything & how vast it is, and how i'm in the world. then he showed me how the gazeebo (looking forward to something close & exciting & tangible is a part of the grand beauty). it completes it. then i noticed i was all concerned about how my towel (i was getting cold by this time) kept falling & he said stop worrying about yourself. what the junk does it even matter if it falls? you were just fully unclothed anyway. i can't get over how happy i am. obeying him is key. unlock the door to life.

hahahahah i was driving today, blaring my music way too loud, and i killed it at the intersection i was so into it. hahahahahaaaaaaah yea. haha

last night i asked God to give me jeff's go-ahead too about going to north carolina (against all odds & everything he was verbally saying to me). hah. he did. i looked up after bearing my soul to jeff about matters....and with a swift flick of his hand, he pointed away & said, "go!" and i knew that was God, not jeff.

later trever said, staci it couldn't be clearer, i think you should go. the smile on your face says it all. : )

trever got me an esv bible. it's bomb. word for word translation. chea! bring on the greek. also....i'm still waiting for my interlinear greek/english bible to show up on the doorstep.

God asked me to translate bibles 1 1/2 years ago. i recently have stopped doubting that it's impossible. hah...aka started believing it's possible. ahhhh yea. bliss. obedience. everytime i ask God what he thinks about north carolina he says i love you. hahahha he's stunning.

wow. if i'd only known this was the problem. i was fighting the future with all my heart mind soul & strength. haha, let me tell you this: if God's called you to do something, it doesn't go away if you ignore it. everything kinds of concaves and stalactites until you are left staring it in the face. finally. oh. hm.. is that what all of this was about? that thing you asked me to do a year and a half ago that i said ehh ask me again when i'm 30? geez. why didn't you just say so? i'd be happy to. golly. i thought we'd had this settled when i didn't take any action back then. it meant i wasn't ready. hhhhhokay then! AYEAYEAYEAYEAYE LEESSSDOIT!

i have a living hope. i have a future. God has a plan for me- of this i'm sure. of this i'm sure. Jesus you're my firm foundation. i know i can stand secure. Jesus you're my firm foundation. i put my hope in your holy Word. i put my hope in your holy Word.

oh. one more thing. i just ate my usual bedtime snack...cereal. i usually eat it dry with a mug of milk close at hand. because i like to control it. i don't like the sogging process taking place while i'm trying to enjoy it as it is. you know? i like to enjoy each phase fully. and since that's not actually feasible, i enjoy the one (dry) phase fully. occasionally i'll add my mug of milk to the bowl about half-way through. hahahahah & that usually ends up stressing me out & i'm suddenly racing the cereal sog monster. however. i just poured my mug o'milk in....and let it set. yes. until it had just about had it's way with my precious granolas. then i partook. and it was soooooooooooooogooooooooooooooooood! ohmygoshtheflavorstotallyexplodedinmymouth!

moral of the story? if we are willing to trade in what's comfortable/controlled/somewhat good, we might just get something twisted, uncontrollable, & extraordinary!

wild hearts can't be broken

First thought: non Christians have something right...community. They know we need one another. They are not hostile toward God. They just don't know Him. This week I've been going to Lauren's to hang out. She has a cool Cali-boy musician roommate, Chris. Chris likes me. Her other roommate just got the boot to go live in a halfway house...because Lauren's was not an 'uplifting environment' for him says the parole officer or whatever. Basically. Yea. Do I have to be more blunt? It's the real deal. People coming in all the time. Parties all the time. Stuff goes down. They were on the fritz when I stopped in unexpectedly & rang the doorbell. They made it very clear I'm to just come in... doorbells are for cops. ANyway. Oh about the community thing, I know I can talk with them about anything/real issues and they won't judge me.

Let me tell you the coolest thing. In a totally chill conversation (which I feel are much more prevalent among non-Christians...they just aren't worried about appearances of the heart...they're concerned about the heart)...so chill convo, & I say to Lauren, True or False, God is love? She said, "I can't answer that." I said why not? She said, "I wouldn't know the answer." OH MY GOSH. Rock my world with the wisdom in that statement! That is wisdom. Not to open your mouth about something you know nothing about. She was absolutely right. That was the right answer. If she does not know God, she would not know if he is love. But to come right out and say she could not answer, instead of jumping on the opportunity to voice her opinion, to give her 2 cents, to grasp at those 15 minutes of fame....when someone truly wanted to know her more deeply....wow. Wow. Thank you God.

2. Living with Maurice & Peggy.
I took a practical step toward knowing God's heart more & it's stellar. It's uncomfortable. & God is just doing cool things, as we are commited to peace in the home. With Christ as the center of each relationship. Using one another to refine our characters. Sometimes the people we would last choose to rub shoulders with are the ones necesary for God's work to be done in our lives.

3. I'm training wild horses with Brittany, a girl from work, tomorrow at 9 a.m. & hanging out with Amanda & Jaymian from small group tomorrow night. I'm so stoked to get beat up by some raging beasts. Jump 'em & rope 'em & ride 'em! WOOOoo!

4. This reminds me. Maurice hit me SO HARD on the back tonight after dinner. WHACKED. I tell you what! It felt SO good! MAN. I don't know, but if I could trade all the hugs I've gotten in the past year, what I needed was that forceful solid thunking slap on the spine. Geeze. Stop icing over & telling me it's okay, DO something to get me moving! Remind me I'm real. Best reality check ever. I've never been hit. I loved it. My dad & I wrestled when I was little, but not so much contact after that. No one is harsh with me. And I appreciate harshness. Better open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted. I prefer open rebuke to hidden love. And I feel like we're all hiding.

5. Jeff, Cyle & I talked about internship details yesterday. It was amazing. Working in the office with my little brother (who has and continues to make me so proud in his spiritual growth) and this dreamer of a guy who wants to pull us alongside him as his eyes are set on Christ. The three of us were all working together on folding newsletters & just having the most meaningful, open, heart-felt conversations about marriage, singleness, God, ministry. I found myself thinking it would be amazing to get to do this habitually. AMAzing.

6. My biggest spiritual struggle is: that I've taken a hecka lotta time looking to God, learning about his heart, & now that I've seen his heart is that the whole world know him, how am I supposed to bring my focus back down? As a menial, minescule, minute human...what can I possibly do that will be of grand worth in the lasting Kingdom of heaven? IWANNADOMORE. So much so that it (Satan) has me overwhelmed, discouraged, & paralyzed at the grandeur of the project. That jerk. Kevin said, don't try to figure out the world, that's God's job. Just do what He gives you to do. Mmmhm. I do. I'll admit, I do feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders & I can't even be settled enough to love the people I'm around because heaven & hell are just so gosh dang imminent.

7. I like having people that don't know me from Adam around. I can talk to them. I'm not afraid to tell them what I need them to take into consideration when I need advice. I can almost (I haven't gotten to the core issue yet, but am almost to the place where I can) just confess my sins...that I may be healed! WOO! Can't wait.

Okay, time to rest up for the round up!!! Break in some colts. Hah, nah, just like the Disney film tried to tell us back in '91, Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

loving people - because people matter

...that's Bridgetown's mission statement.

Calvin. 'In a word, his week was depressing.' He doesn't have a home & I prayed with him that God would lift the weight of the world from his shoulders.
Teresea - was battered & lost everything. Her being beaten made something switch off in her kids, Angelina & Shane. Now they're Jehovah's Witnesses. She took my number.

Adina is 26 and in the church's 24/7 (after prison) program. She dirt bikes. Got jacked doing a front flip at the fair a while back. She views God as a puppetmaster & us with strings attached to our appendages.

Lauren is my favorite person on earth. She works at the Q.

Jenny also works at the Q. These girls are beautiful. Bored with what the world has to offer.

Marshall & Lesley Snider started Bridgetown (homeless) ministries in Portland. They get it. They understand that Jesus was real & came to meet the needs of real people. Jesus wasn't the type to say, "I'll give you this sleeping bag if you come to church with me." No. You're cold, I have a blanket, it's yours.

Papa's in India on an administrative business trip for the church.

Mama is moving into her apartment in North Carolina.

Amanda, Jaymi, Erin, Joy, Brenda, Shelby, Karlie, Melissa, Jessica, Megan, Kevin, Trever, Robby, Cyle, Elisa, Jeff, Kindra, Peggy, Wyatt, Aubrey, Katie, Charlotte, Brittany, Ryan, Eric (says i like the way you dance...i like the way you move...at work today ugH), Shayla, Ashton, Aaron, Chelsey, Donna...

So yes. There's what's on my mind. Among other things. They all have needs. Real needs.

God is showing me that the Navigators style of ministry is a tad off. Of course I always knew it was uncomfortable. We're supposed to go up to someone & ask them about something more personal than their sexuality: their spirituality!? hah, no! Wow.

Okay, come on up here. Sit on my lap.

I wake up. I get to eat my favorite meal ever. Cereal. But not just any cereal. It's the kind I only eat at gram & papa's. Fiber One honey clusters with banana slices, & Pumpkin Flax granola. MmmmmMMMMmm good. All I eat is cereal & coffee & smoothies (by myself). By the way, I'm staying with gram until papa comes back. Thanksgiving, basically. Nice.

I invite gram to watch my Beth Moore Stepping Up video with me. Then I head to work. I'm bored. The usual lunch rush was late, so I told Katie to count, then come find me. I hid in the back, behind a cart & covered my face with my plastic gloved hands. She saw me right away, as soon as she turned the corner. Eric likes me, but he doesn't like church. haha, substitute Eric's name with basically anyone at Qdoba. Anyway, I walk in the door to Peggy sweeping. It's uber stressful. I trip & tip-toe around her cleaning gear right in the entry way. (Keep in mind I'm exhausted from work) I head out to the hot tub that I broke the night before. The jets wouldn't turn off...now they're off & won't turn on. I check the thermometer. 106. Nice. Couldn't have been more than 16 minutes & I'm as relaxed as I want to be. I get out and ....oooh great. I can't hear again. This always happens when I'm dehydrated & could faint at the drop of a hat. My ears feel tight, my head feels light, & why is my heartbeat coming from my skull? I lean into the bathroom faucet & turn on the water, knowing it's my best hope. SCREEEEEECH goes the water. ahhh! Not cool. The sound of running water sounds like chalk boards in my dehydrated head. I collapse on my (guest)bedroom carpet in my bikini. And I lay there until my brain registers that Peggy has been vaccuuming the living room for what seems like lightyears. Vexated, I abruptly jump up to close the door.
Mmm that was relaxing indeed. I died a little this afternoon. I suppose the body is supposed to stay at 98.6. Psh. Whatever makes you Harder. Faster. Better. Stronger.
Peggy & I talked over dinner. The Spirit decided to join us, & I just bawled. Bawled. Uh huh. God is moving my heart around. Aaah wow.

Let me tell you a story.

Her mind was a wirlwind. She grabbed the deepest longing spinning among the rest & held fast. Deep within her soul she knew it would not get her anywhere. This girl was smart. She knew she could trust her God-given intuitions. She just chose to disobey. That's it. It was a choice. Yes, I know full-well that there are going to be reprocussions for this aimless decision. But I am willing to take the hit. I'm so gosh-darned invincible, I'd actually like to take a hit. This power is bigger than me. How will I ever weild it for life? It's completely overtaking me. Not leaving any room for me. Yes. I need to see that I'm still human. Please. The fairy-dusted road to Zion is so predictable. I'll just see what happens when I fight the battle alone for a bit. You stay there, Jesus, I'll be back once I know how life is without you. No sooner had the words departed my lips than I turned my head from his face, to see hell - hell's penetrating gaze looking down on me. Powerful, intoxicating, overbearing, fumes of imminent retaliation entering through my nostrils. "Booooy you gonna git whats comin to yeh!" ...The huge, insensitive, harsh, muscley, wife-beater enclothed hick with tabacco dripping from his teeth... boots clomping confidently toward me (as I scramble backward out the front door, onto the porch), he whips the leather belt off of his tight waist in one swift motion. That's the closest scenario with skin on it that I can equate it to. It doesn't matter what all you did. Your insides know you deserve every lash you're about to get. The shear knowing. The insight. The awareness. The unbearable weight of realization coming from the fact that there's hell to pay. Why? He wants my destruction. And I helped him. Over and over and over. And now I'd given him permission to join in the demolition. By turning from the only One who is for me. The only One who cares about my soul, & my character. Oh yea, I'm for me. For my happiness, pleasure, and good times. Hah. No no. That does not lead to peace & prosperity & hope & future. So there I was. Capsizing under the knowledge of eternal punishment, endless guilt, forever accused (rightly so), always condemned, never escaping, a prisoner of Hades. My new identity. I fainted at the thought, and I could practically feel the flames sucking my life away. Devouring the air from my lungs. Internally combusting. My insides caving in to empty, dark, nothingness (which is what I deserved). You know when you were little & tried to picture being in heaven for eteeeeeeeernity, & it had your head spinnin? ...Try hell.

Now I'm on the ground. Body seizing with the anticipation of being broken. In and out of consciousness, all I smell is the end. Not life. Death. Not air. Suffocation. Weaker now with the sound of his mocking laugh, I fade inside, back to the screams of despair that will never escape. Suddenly the loud clanging of swords causes me to raise my head. Dust. Feet. Solid, sturdy feet at my head, kicking dust about in the tussle. My immobile face is covered in it. My hair's the color of ashes. There He is. He's fighting for me. Keeping what I deserve from touching me. I'm left, stricken on the floor. Not a hair on my head has been misplaced. I breath in the whirlwind of activity in the heavenly realms. The air is still not clear. But at least it is dusty air that fills my burning lungs, and not flames of fury and wrath licking away my lifeblood. Why? Why, I asked for a long time, would you save me when I didn't ask for help. Someone has to pay! It can't stay between you & me, God. Don't you recall? I asked you to stay there, in all your glory, while I dealt with my iniquities. I wanted to pay hell for my sins. That wasn't an option, my child. I paid for them on the cross. 2000 years ago, I was beaten. I was lashed. I was hurt. I got the whipping. I have paid for your sin.

Isaiah 28:18
Your covenant with death will be annulled;
your agreement with the grave will not stand.
When the overwhelming scourge sweeps by,
you will be beaten down by it.

Psalm 18
4The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
5The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
6In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
16He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
17He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
19He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 124
A song of ascents. Of David.
1If the Lord had not been on our side—
let Israel say—
2if the Lord had not been on our side
when men attacked us,
3when their anger flared against us,
they would have swallowed us alive;
4the flood would have engulfed us,
the torrent would have swept over us,
5the raging waters
would have swept us away.
6Praise be to the Lord,
who has not let us be torn by their teeth.
7We have escaped like a bird
out of the fowler’s snare;
the snare has been broken,
and we have escaped.
8Our help is in the name of the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

there is no one else for me. crucified to set me free.

My sister is pregnant! I'm gonna be an aunt x 3! Wow thanks, Shay, for taking it upon yourself to make our family big & bustling! haha, somebody had to do it. No, really, sister, I'm praying for your family. Before this news, I began praying that God would move your family to wherever you'd be fruitful. And look! Bundle o' joy on the way.

My mom got a job in North Carolina! Ahhhhhhhh. My God is so great. My God is so good. My God is so big. There's nothing my God cannot do.

Trever & i were Edward & Bella for Halloween. Hah...nothing really changed. Um, Trever wore one of my v-necks. I wore chucks & let my bangs be all froofy & swoopy. At Kevin's Halloweenapalooza party...we would strike a pose & say okok guess who we are!? "...Trever & Staci!?" Then we'd really get our game faces on. (I'd think okay, Staci, you're totally consumed with your own life.. yes here comes the infamous life's lame Bella gaze. Aaaand you're dating a vampire...ah hah and the frowed brow 'this is never going to work' thought drapes nicely over the constant state of bored melancholy.) "OH MY GOSH, really guys?" And they guessed it.

So Bible study was as fabulous as when Flipper saved that dog from the sharks. (I actually never saw the movie sooo don't quote me on that. But if I'd filmed Flipper...that would've been the storyline.) Aaanyway. Yes well. 13 gals. It's beautiful. They're beautiful. We're studying Revelation. Everyone was very candid about where they are with Jesus Christ right now.

Last night I talked to this grown man eating at the soup kitchen our young adults help out at. I asked him his name (Kurt) & if he goes to church anywhere. Told him about Friends & said I'd be looking for him. He broke eye contact for a second, then looked back at me, "What's your name?" I told him & he said, "Staci. Staci with a mission." I just looked away. During our conversation he said, "What goes around comes around." I let myself revel in that thought for a minute (seeing as the most stimulating thoughts I get to entertain at work are "But why would they not want a no-charge-tortilla on the side of their naked burrito?") Kurt says what are you thinking about, Staci?" "What goes around comes around, Kurt." "Ah. A deep thinker." hahaha people are silly. I wouldn't consider myself a deep thinker. Maybe a practiced thinker. Take a few seconds to myself & they're like, hey you checked out. That's not legal. Then they decide ..why yes, yes it is, but it's certainly not common. Anyway. I'm praying Kurt comes to church & meets you know who there.

I went to a Skillet / Hawk Nelson concert a couple nights ago. It was awesome. Good ole mosh pits. Missed them. hahaha the wood floor bounced like a trampoline under the weight of the crowd's enthusiasm. We got kicked out of the mosh pit. haha, no I didn't punch anyone, it was just too full, so Trever, Robby & I went to the back to sit with my Qdoba gals, Jenny & Lauren. They were bein all stiff, "I'm too ballin for Christian rock." Trever said, "Do you think you could get them to dance?" Hahaha, love it. That's basically my life challenge with them. Only...metaphorically. So that was a blast, being reminded. Trever & I danced like mad in the 2nd to last row at the Spokane opera house. It was the fullest the theater had ever been. I can count on one hand the number of people going crazy beyond the mosh pit. Very cool.

Today at work, I almost threw a knife off the counter & sliced Katie & my feet off...
Katie: Wow that was close!
Staci: Yea, hah! I basically just saw my life flash before my eyes.
Katie: (without skipping a beat) How was it?
Staci: *craaacking up* hahaha, Katie, how long have you been packing that? haah!

Oh Qdoba. As I told Trever, one day Jesus and I are just going to look at each other and laugh...then he'll point back over his shoulder, "God's this way, let's go." Pico de gallo. Let me tell you what. It's a doozy. Takes a century and a half to form a complete double (recipe) pico. Haaaah! Don't tell anyone, but I think Yesterday I forgot to "shark (carve)" the stem part off the tomatoes before I sliced & diced them. hahaha, more fiber, right? And on Halloween I definitely saw a spider in the sour cream. Ugh junk. And I killed it. BAM! roasted. Oh. Speaking of which. The number one perk of working at Qdoba: today, before work, I took banana bread out of the oven...without an oven mit. hahahahhaha, suckaaa! My fingers have been trained to withstand the most extreme temperatures known to man. Wow. I sound like Dwight Schrute right now. Man I hate that show. A perfect depiction of the nothingness we've turned life into.

Last night we went to Maurice & Peggy's. I sat on my grandaddy's lap for 25 minutes while the brownies baked (just me & him) & it was heaven on earth. I can't wait until God holds me forever.

Store up for yourself treasures in heaven today, my friend. Trust me. This world & it's desires will pass away. Don't waste your time being consumed with it. You'll enjoy the fruits of your labor for eternity if you sow, recognizing harvest will come & we will reap. Some more than others. Whatever you plant now, you'll get to enjoy forever!!! If you don't plant anything...geeze.

Halloweek

today i went for a walk in the woods & saw a bone. not uncommon in the backwoods boondocks. : ) love it.

confession: i bake when i'm bored. it's kind of embarrassingly ridiculous. today, on two seperate occasions, i made cupcakes & (hours later) banana bread. seriously staci? productive nothingness. i don't even care about the food. i usually give it away. after an enjoyable taste-test, of course.

last night trever, kevin, megan & i went to spokane to a haunted maze. it was uncommonly cold. our feet were numb. it was one of those typical scenarios where you're in line for a solid 2 hours snuggling with your friends/boyfriends for body heat. yes. we were those couples. hah! and the maze was so not worth it. chain saw, yes, but the workers were terrible at their job, not jumping out at good times. trever & i decided to help them out, and ran ahead to scare the bejeepers straight out of kevin & megan. hahahahahhaahhaha...it was epic. and by far the best scare of the night. ok trev & i did get scared by the first masked-hallow-jumper. trev shrieked so loud...hahaha then like 5 seconds after the fact i let out a blood curdling scream! hah, that scared all of my accomplices. i was too cold function properly. it took that long for the panic to finds it's way from my heart to my lungs.

today marks the date. trever & i have been dating for a month. he wrote a super sweet letter - 25 reasons (bc it's the 25th) i love staci lynn miller. by the time i got to #14, 'her heart to give the world,' i was choking up. that boy, i'll tell you what. he cares about what matters. the heart, the core, the essence, the Jesus Christ in me/the most important part of my life. trever is flat-out genuine, & there isn't a deceptive bone in his body.

megan told me she & kevin are talking about getting married in may, but it's pretty hush hush. i hate hush hush. i would rather not know about this stage of uncertainty. kevin acts weirdish around me & trev. when we absolutely crack up about something, kevin's like, 'we can laugh too...!' like it's a couples challenge or something. sigh. i love Jesus Christ. and the complete satisfaction he brings my life. within relationships or without them. at work, or at rest. whether i eat or don't eat. Christ is my all.

Jeff asked if i'd still like to intern the other day. 20 hours a week sorta deal. i hadn't anticipated that. or been considering it. but i would honestly love to. it's where my heart's at. rousing the body of Christ. i'm excited about the new things God is doing & honored that he's inviting me to join. humbly blessed to have the opportunity to be directly pouring my energies into it. our gals study is moving to brenda's (a 'seasoned' sister). jeff has a vision for expanding our college group. to include more young'ns & oldies. brenda asked me to co-lead the girls study. i said i'd be happy to help.

i'm choosing to trust that God is going to do something this week that requires me to not be spending my hours at Qdoba, because i am only scheduled for thursday. ridiculous. oh well, God has a perfect plan. these drastically reduced hours go along with the internship opportunity for sure. halleluia, our God is unchangable, unshakable, & unstoppable. and i trust that he is for me, even if i don't see the big picture. John 3:17 Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what i am doing, but later you will understand."

I'll stand - with arms high & heart abandoned
in awe of the One who gave it all.
I'll stand - my soul Lord to you surrendered
all I am is yours.

these words had my spirit soaring like a kite during worship this morning.

mo-peds

Last night I had one of those moments. The ones where you know life wouldn't be one tenth as good if God weren't on your side. Just sitting in Maurice & Peggy's hot tub, leaning my head out into the cool rain, telling ficticious stories with Trever about a couple of wild kids named Sidney & Travis....aka Staci & Trever. hahah, re-capping our awesome day. I said, can I pray? We share a lot of those moments, where God suddenly overwhelms us with a desire to talk with Him/thank Him for something...so we do.

We'd installed a new cd player in my Jeep for kicks & giggles (one of the perks of having a boyfriend who works at Best Buy). Then had Olive Garden with my grandparents. Trev & I went to Target & when we came out, I'd forgotten I was in north Idaho. sigh...bliss. We went to Maurice & Peg's, had some pie, and Trev took a nap while I transformed my precious, technophobic grandmother into a Facebook pro. It was a hoot. Catching us up to the hot tub reflection time.

This afternoon I took Kevin's mo-ped for a cruise. Trever & I are borrowing it this month (until it snows). It was a blast. By the way, please pray for wisdom for Trever to know whether or not to spend big bucks to fix his Mitsubishi 3000 gt. (Now or later...ie after Australia. Wisdom about Australia mainly hah...God's plan yay nay) His loaner car broke down as well...so now mo-peds and temporary gigs.

Exploring the mountainous region on a mo-ped was so my style, I can hardly handle it...when I'm doing something so perfectly aligned with my desires that I could never rig. God only knows us. Even better than we know ourselves. Not to say the ride was a walk in the park. Danger. I was secretly on the lookout for an elk or moose. muahahaha. None yet...but I did encounter a beastly dog that made me instantaneously do a U-ey. Topped out at 50 mph...the helmet was taking off of my head. hahahaha! And most of all, t'was a chill chill. I just took THE best shower I've ever taken. At first the water felt like fire streams on my hands and feet, and cold on the rest of my body. Nothing made sense in the temperature department. I had to go off of past experience. Like...shampoo usually doesn't feel freezing cold in my hand, so it must be safe. So I stayed there until every part of my body agreed that the water was the same temperature.

αμωμος & αναγκλητος

Wait a minute. You see me as blameless as Christ himself?

Colossians 1:22
But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation-

vs 23 IF...what do you mean, if, you continue in your faith
faith -the conviction that God exists and is the creator and ruler of all things, the provider and bestower of eternal salvation through Christ. Whew, okay, so just keep believing Jesus took care of it all.

Greek breakdown of vs. 22
reconciled-to bring back to a state of harmony.
To exchange, as coins for others of equal value - hence, to reconcile (those who are at variance). He exchanged a positive human body for a negative human body so that we are no longer at variance. Balanced, once again.
to present me holy in His sight - Jesus will stand beside me before the Holy One as judge
without blemish (αμωμος)- blameless, faultless, unblameable
free from accusation (αναγκλητος)- unable to be called to account, unaccused

There. I understand that better. Jesus makes it so I cannot be called to account. He equalized the equation. Yes I was imperfect. But I'm standing right next to Perfection. Therefore we are equalized. Together we cannot be called to account. It's as if we were a zero. And without a negative sign in front of our foreheads, we will not be thrown into hell.

HALLELUJAH. praise be to Jesus Christ my Lord.

Finally, Chem 101 pays off.

Let's see if this mobile business works!

Octoberfest

Yesterday I looked at my hands...and they look like my moms. Most of the time, the cool air sends my sweaty pores into hiding, leaving my skin ...dry, not sweaty, leathery, smooth. Partly attributed to handling steamed tortilla shells at Qdoba-which ssskaaaa's the prints right off my fingertips. & washing my hands all the time at work. Hmm...you probably had to do that a lot at the hospitals too, huh, mom?



Trever & I dyed our hair brown. The other day I skyped with my parents. Mom says, "Jerry, she looks like a young me!".... I look at the little square of me in the skype corner to find that I look exactly like the 1979 wedding picture version of my mom. Welp. : )



I like this evidence of growing up. Proof.



Bible study was amazing last night. 4 of us just chilled & told stories of the miracles we've seen God do. I love them a lot. Almost as much as I love my Qdoba girls. ...I love them.



When I drive to work in my Jeep amidst the mountains, it feels right. : ) I'm at the tail-end of this cold, & feeling as thought I've passed initiation into the cool climate. It's like the environment's seen I'm for real & I've been granted a set of winter lungs that the chilly air doesn't set on icey-hot fire. We're getting along very nicely, now. I love this time of year. It's rainy this week, in the 50's. It reminds me of the Twilight movie all the time...set in smalltown, Northwest. Plus that soundtrack's bumpin my subs this month.

At work I said, "Jenny, will you help me?" "Will I whhhaat?" I look up to see Jenny all blushy faced holding pico de gallo knife in mid-air...."Help me?" "Ooooh I thought you said will I hold you?" "Ugh, Jenny no. Save that for later."

DanceDanceReeeevolution

Saturday night Barn Dance was an absolute blast.

It was cold outside, perfect inside for bustamove. A couple came up to Trever & I and said, "Hey you guys wanna learn how to swing dance?" Hahah, I just laughed at how cool God is. Meeting our needs right when we need them. It was the most perfect thing that could've happened at that moment. We'd just arrived, and the dance floor was glistening with lights and lazers...but not people. Lots of shy Friends. Hahaha. The night totally picked up & I had the most fun I've had in a long time. I hadn't realized I've never danced with my Idaho crew. Hahahaha. Trever was so funny & stylin. Michael Jackson moves, Napoleon Dynamite moves, and best of all- signature Trever moves. He was requesting songs at the DJ station all night, starting a huuuuge conga line. His tight-jeaned 6'2" self just lit up the party. At the beginning, Trever & I set a goal for ourselves-to have a blast, be ridiculous without reservation, and get everyone out on the Flo! Mission accomplished. Highlights.........

Trev & I cut in with Maurice & Peggy... Trever took Maurice! Hahaha, "come on come on, Staci, it'll be epic!" (The first time in my life I've ever "ran into" my out-of-town grandparents...so weird, and cool like "Oh hey, you're here!"

Kevin & Megan showed up. And I love their socks off. Kevin's a goof, and an awesome musical Cali boy. Megan's my hero. Haaha, no, but I miss her. I told her I'm praying she'll come back to Coeur d'Alene next semester. She's considering/praying too she said.
Macarana -classically scandalous 80's style. YmCA, chicken dance, left leg in silliness...
Joy & I kept it real.
Electric Slide
Miley Cyrus, NSync, family friendly party tunes
The look I got from Cyle when I caught a glimpse of he & Megan watching me. Hahahha I just laughed & thought of all his "convictions" I must be breaking. You can't please them all, but I will live my life to please the One that matters. Fear not, friends.
BEst of all, when Trever & I would dance...because our intentions were to get other people's blood pumpin. hahahha, so yes, that was epic. For sure.

Yesterday I went to Montana with the K's. We went to a mission/discipleship training school near Whitefish and Kalispel, called Pottersfield. It was very cool & Brynn would like to go eventually, maybe. Their curriculum is Perspectives on the World Christian Movement, now though. I've had my fill of that I think. Idk.

We stopped by an AWEsome river/waterfall. With a swinging drawbridge that we crossed. So cool!

Ate at 5 guys Burgers & Fries. And headed home. The drive was another classic K van trip. Packed, with the dog too. RAndom tickle fights between me, Trever, Brynn, and Jens. Hahahah, at the very end of the drive, Brynn & Jens lept up into the middle seat where Trev & I were in a last retaliation effort....Brynn like got squished inbetween the seat/floor/2front seat space/my leg. We could not stop laughing. So then we desperately fell out of the van, into the brisk night. Good day for sure. Now it's off to work!

Qdobduh

I'm upset right now because I just love the people at work so much. But it's so dark.

Seth I think was maybe stoned & explaining the basics of Buddhism to Brittany. Uggh! Step off dude.

Lauren (haha awesome girl, I just get her) but, she invited me to get crazy with the crew later. They're at the Resort, I think, drinking and swimming now. Lame.

Even 29 year old married with 3 boys, Charlotte (from Maui) was stoked to party. Like employees that weren't even working, met us closers at Qdoba....they're just such a family. Tight knit group & I love 'em to death! But I can't. I just won't. It's not my style. I'm His.

I'm just torn. Because, as a fisher of men, chilling with them right now would be like shooting at a fish with a shotgun. Psh. It's yours, no questions asked. You see? I would have them. They all are just thrilled to have me there & I love getting to know everything about each of them. So after like one day with them they're inviting me to be a part of their super-close group.

What I'm saying is. I was given an opportunity from Satan to cheat. To absolutely win them. Hey Staci, "They're yours, if you just turn from what you're called to." AAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhh! No. He takes what God's intending for me to do/wants me to do & offers an easy way out, a shortcut, a way that leads to death.

It wasn't hard for me to say no. It just would've been too easy for me to say yes. And it makes me mad. I hate temptation, harm, & destruction. I just felt so powerless. They had already made up their minds. At the beginning of the shift is when I got the down low. So all day, they could've been chained up, in prison clothes, walking glazey-eyed to the gallows & I wouldn't have known any difference. Suckatash. I love the light. What can I say?

Swimmin, cliff jumpin, Rustler's Roost dinin, Tomato Street with Maurice, Peg, Trev & the boys (Cyle & Isaac), Bible study tomorrow, randomly swingin in to visit with papa at the church, Nert-a-litz with the Kits, sunsets behind the mountains from the railroad tracks with Trever. God makes me happy. Satan makes me unhappy.

Sigh. Goodnight.

HaPpY bIrThDaY sHaYlA

Qdobwhaa?

wow
God is my rock.
today I fried lots of chips, taco bowls, tortilla soup strips, & taco shells.
got 2 burns on my left forearm from the bubblin grease.
Trever kissed it & made it better.
I prayed for opportunities to identify with Christ at work.
Had awesome talk time with Katie & Jenny during my morning fry-session/sweat-fest/spray-those-chips-with lime juice-spritz, spritz-flip-flip-spritz.
I get to sleep in tomorrow! Worked early shift every day this week. Tomorrow Ima closing.

Work highlights with the customers: Qdobwhaa?s I'll call them

"Oooh yes, an abundance of cheese!"
"Haha! Abuuundance! (realizing I just made fun of her...) ...I like that word."

"I'm actually looking for an assistant at the pharmacy....are they paying you big-time here?"
"Haha...yes sir, I'm makin bank."
"Ahhh well I can't compete with that."

"She's excellent!"
my boss, "Oh well good to hear, I just hired her!"
hahaha flustered I wish the couple a good day without making them pay for their burritos.
She hands me the 21 bucks and we laugh at the irony & said it's our secret since Robert had just walked away.

Trever & I led worship at Candlelight tonight. It was fun. We'd practiced & had a riot of a time, but then they had me switch microphones right before the Gathering & I couldn't hear myself in the headphones....sooo technical difficulties. But we got to use the voices God gave us to glorify Him. : ) Hallelujah!

We went to the boardwalk after grabbing a scrumptuous chicken alfredo pizza at MacKenzie River, & I was rambling some silly nonsense about the word "walk-a-thon" sounding like "walketh on." And suddenly I look up & see the distance from the topic in Trever's eyes...and realize, "oookay I'm done.." Then, sure enough, a few minutes later, he took my hands & asked me to date him, essentially. He got on his knee & said he'd asked my dad & mom. Oh my gosh. "I'd love to." We sat down on the dock & prayed. Siiigh. God's so good.

Savannah got married today. Yikes-a-B.

I drink hot drip coffee on the way to work when it's frigid outside (at least until I get into the sun in Hayden & outta the rural shade of Rathdrum) .....and drink cold blended coffee from Coeur D'Latte (happy hour, everything's half priced) on the way home in the heat of the day. Bliss.

Working with food takes my appetite away, so that's nice for a change. Although sometimes I get hit with weakness. We don't have clocked-off breaks, so I feel bad taking a break, ever. So I'm on my feet all the time. It's so fast though. Always workin/servin! Holllllllllllla!

I'm letting go of me to be His hands & feet.